Bit harrowing

I braved the hospital

Let’s just say that I have sort of post traumatic stress thing going on over my mother’s death in hospital 20 years ago and I start off in a medical situation expecting to be ignored, lied to, treated with a lack of compassion and general disrespect. I expect to be confused with somebody else, I palpitate even going up to a receptionist. Add to that, 3 years of constant miscarriage and many many many horrible tearful appointments… let’s just say that going into the place is hard for me.

On the other hand, my haematologist is a shining beacon, who  saw us through when I was pregnant with  little DG and was admitted with a  DVT, and has been supportive and optimistic through all my losses since. I always see him personally, I can call yesterday and be put at the start of the clinic today… he will add hcg and progesterone tests to the blood count and anti-cardiopilin and clotting screens and what have you. He even prescribed my cyclogest and progynova today… I estimate my drugs are costing the NHS more than £100 a week now.

So I was in and out from my appointment, and fast-tracked through phlebotomy (that being a sub-section of haematology, really) and I thought I’d get away without getting too stressed. But the pharmacy had a bit of difficulty confirming that the doses of progynova and cyclogest were correct … obviously they are not used to dishing out drugs after FET … and I was 90 mins waiting. And somehow that panicky black cloud descended while I waited in  a hot stuffy waiting room where I have been so many times before at 5w pregnant, and picked up Clexane etc, but miscarried before the follow up appointment.

And even though I have decided to avoid the familiar route, for instance not presenting myself to the Early Pregnancy Unit under ANY circumstances, even though they would scan me this week if I asked… even though I am telling myself this is NOT THE SAME.

I did struggle to convince myself while waiting there. Thank goodness for Mr DG and Hobbesy who both sent reassuring text messages. I’m home now but I feel so tearful.

And the call with the results is still to come. I am not sure how I am going to get through the next few weeks. I knew once I came into contact with the medical profession I would begin to panic.


~ by drownedgirl on August 14, 2007.

One Response to “Bit harrowing”

  1. It really is a post-traumatic stress reaction. First your experience with your mother (I am so sorry for that), then your recurrent miscarriages. You’re traumatized, make no mistake. I’m glad you’re through it now and hope you can relax over the next few weeks.

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