I’m like a cat on hot bricks or whatever the phrase is.  I did so well getting to day 9 post ER feeling beautifully relaxed and optimistic but the bad cramps followed by a complete loss of the previous full sensation in my abdomen has sent me into a bit of a tail spin and I have been fighting against tears most of the last few days.

It was sunny before, the weekend has seen torrential rain and it has suited my mood.

My tests came by post and so I have decided to do one tomorrow (9dp 3 dt) as in my experience of early pregnancy and miscarriage, a good pregnancy will have decent levels of hcg by 12 dpo. I believe the average is 50 miu, and the tests are 25miu I think.

I’d rather test and get a negative and maybe be pleasantly surprised later, then hold out and then fall with a crash. And if there is a line, however faint, then at least I can tell myself I’m stupid to fear the worst!

I’m trying to think positive though. And even if it hasn’t worked this first try, there are plenty of fertilised eggs and embryos on ice, and we’ll try to arrange a FET asap.

I have taken the PUPO idea very much to heart, and I’m going to find it very hard to click back into normal life if this hasn’t worked, so the sooner the better with a FET, emotionally.  It’s my bed, those are my pyjamas, this is my DVD player and I see no reason to leave them unless I have to!

I wish I didn’t feel so tearful and just… depressed. It’s hard not to get subsumed under the weight of all my losses and all the medical intervention and the sheer struggle just to keep on.

I’m tired.


~ by drownedgirl on May 27, 2007.

2 Responses to “Nervous”

  1. I’m sending you all sorts of positive uplifting thoughts, DG. And I know exactly how tired you are. Yes, I do.

  2. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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