ART after secondary infertility

I have been thinking  guiltily of poor Mr Hobbesy who has been looking after the two little Hobbesies plus the “still in agony and bloated” Hobbesy for the best part of week now, along with my own Mr DG who is juggling the nursery run and pick up himself plus all getting up and going to bed duties for little DG.

Arranging scans and appointments around nursery times, having to take one or other of them with us on occasion, and then having mummy laid up, really is no easy thing.

IVF clearly puts a huge strain on the woman and her partner. It almost feels too selfish to take on this procedure when it impacts so much on existing children.

Miscarriage has a huge effect on existing children too. Even if they never know you are pregnant, they lose part of you during the time you are finding you are pregnant, obessing over hcg levels and waiting on scans. 

I can look back at DS’s 4th birthday (natural miscarriage the day after),  Xmas 06 (with some effort, found the privacy, despite a house full, to conceive on Xmas day),  Pirate party August 06 (planned while pregnant, D&C shortly before,)  and Halloween 05 (ditto).

And then there have been endless sad days where we were home together and I was either pregnant and nauseous or doomed to miscarriage or hibernating after a loss.

Many times in the park where I have just wanted to lie down on the grass and weep.

When you have a child already, you can’t avoid babies and pregnant women. The school gate is a gamut to run. Idle chit chat with mummy acquaintances is a minefield, not knowing what you’ll say when they ask about number two. Your heart sinks when you see those baggy jumpers. When you see a mummy friend you haven’t seen for a while you’re always wondering what news they might come out with.

You’re not really in the mummy club when all you have as your membership card is something of a “fluke”

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~ by drownedgirl on May 21, 2007.

12 Responses to “ART after secondary infertility”

  1. Can see it’s quite a strain keeping it all together. I do hope hobbesy feels better soon.
    One thing worrying me a little is you seem to have put yourself on bedrest, which studies say actually decreases your chances of success, although not by much. Most docs I’ve met now say just get back to normal activity, stay away from baths due to the holes in your vagina (which you don’t have), exercise is fine so long as your core temp doesn’t go up too much (like running for more than 30 mins if you’re not already fit). I’d get up and at least potter round the house if you can. Or is your son too much to handle if you’re up and about?

  2. That is so very true. The playdates are especially painful as the moms feel since they have a more intimate audience, they can ask more intimate questions.

  3. I am pottering … I’m quite hyper by nature so even when I think I’m doing very little I do a fair bit. I did a load of washing and hung it up, put some washing away, made dinner, had a shower …

    But maybe I’ll be a bit less lazy tomorrow. I know I can’t just lie about, especially as I have had a DVT.

    I think the hypnotherapy I did a few mcs ago had a lasting effect, really. He talked me into enjoying the experience of being pregnant and entitled to some pampering/laziness and ever since we have started the cycle I have just wanted to loll about in my pyjamas. I guess disengaging from stuff like work (I’m on leave and not looking at my mail) does help me avoid getting stressed and overwrought. I’m in a bit of a cocoon.

    My son IS a lot to handle. If I say that last Friday, between getting up at 6am and leaving for nursery at 9am, he insisted on lifting up a floorboard (don’t ask!) you can get an idea.

    Monday – Wednesday he goes to a minder in the afternoons (my usual work days) so it’s Thursday and Friday I’m back into the fray.

  4. I was put on bed rest for 24 hours after the transfer, but took it really easy for ages afterwards. No lifting and stuff G had the pleasure of lifting all my cases coming back from Spain. I had that scare in Sainsburys after lifting something I shouldn’t of done at 8 weeks, abit of the plug coming away apparently or the other embryo, you can’t be too careful, I carried an oily bullet with me for such situations. I have only just started tentatively doing pregnant pilates and ache like hell, I am so unfit!(am taking it slow) my job is quite active though looking after tons of pre schoolers, I often come home and listen to a meditation CD for some decent relaxation. I had to make a real effort to drink loads of water as well, to help the blood supply to the uterus, I still find it abit of an effort. I am not very good at drinking water, I find it bland probably as in a previous life I was getting through 4 or 5 bottles of wine a week! I have warm water with a slice of lemon and that seems to go down alright though.

  5. Thanks for the tips, H. I am trying not to lift things. Mr DG used to get quite mad at me when pg with my son, as I can’t get used to not doing heavy work myself.

    I’m on 2l of water a day, well, juice and squash. I find water very bland too. Tip for new mummy: never ever give your child juice. Then they dislike water. The shops sell all sorts of attractive baby juices and cordials, try to resist. They don’t need them. It’s just sugar.

    Thalya, can I swim then do you think as no holes in me? I really depend on the water to soothe me at hard times. I’d love to go for a swim. Very meditative.

  6. Thanks for your tip DG I shall remember that! Sorry hope I wasn’t teaching you to suck eggs!(no pun intended) I think the fact you have time off is great as the frame of mind and feeling goooooood stuff is so important isn’t it, pampering oooooooh yes yes. Switching off oooh yes yes. Am v. jealous.

  7. DG I think you could go for a swim, my understanding is it’s positively encouraged during pregnancy, and the only reason for not doing it during IVF is the aforementioned holes in the vagina. Perhaps you could check with your clinic? The cervix is a good tight seal so by now I would have thought it was ok. But perhaps wait until you’ve had the pregnancy test and the cervix is most definitely tightly shut. You cannot wash the embryos away, as you know, but I guess one should be ultra careful about infection after dilating the cervix for transfer.

  8. No, I did mean it, thanks for the tips! I wasn’t being sarky. I have read some stuff of course but was a total IVF virgin.

    I am listening to my hypno cd every day, drinking lots, taking my aspirin, clexane, vits, progynova, cyclogest. I did acupuncture before and after ET.

    Am avoiding lifting, strenuous activity, sex, stress and emptying the bin (mind you, I always do that!)

    Have not had a bath though I’d love to. I had an idea that was about not getting too hot.. if it’s about vaginal trauma after EC, I can maybe go swimming.

  9. Thalya, hmm, I guess I’ll wait just a little while to go swimming then, to be cautious. Leave it a week or so.

    Water has a mystical effect on me. When my son was 11 days overdue, I swam for hours every day, contracting gently as I went. Lucky he didn’t suddenly arrive then and there!

    Thanks for all the advice. It’s a bit scary at times, worrying if I’m doing the right thing. It’s different to miscarrying, for me at least. When I’m pregnant and miscarrying, I do know that it’s nothing I’ve done. The loss is sort of a positive act. Trying to get IVF embryos implanted seems more of a negative activity – don’t do this, don’t do that, hope it works. If they don’t stick, will it feel like a loss? I guess it will.

  10. Yes. It’s so hard to be dealing with infertility, or subfertility when you already have a child… all the babies, all the children, all the mothers… and the need to try and keep it together as much as possible for the existing child(ren). An entirely differen kettle of fish than when dealing with fertility issues without children.

    I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  11. The impact this makes on everyone in our lives – children, spouses, friends, other family – it’s hard to know when it’s too much. I look at my little one (who’s not so little anymore) and wonder if I’m paying enough attention to the here and now. If I’m spending my waking life thinking about the future, the when’s and what if’s, am I really living?

    Bottom-line, though: if this works for you, it will be worth it. Sending you all my best wishes.

  12. Hi DG, and best wishes for your 2ww.

    I took the 2 weeks off work this time, and DH and I went away for the second week and spent a relaxing few days pootling around the west country. As you know, my DE IVF has worked, so maybe that’s the answer! (Though I don’t have an existing child to have to deal with). I had some cramping around about the half-way point, but nothing after that, so I really couldn’t tell which way it was going to go. Try and distract yourself as much as possible – easier said than done, I know.
    Good luck for your test – I shall await the outcome with interest. love Essex Girl

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