Giving up gracefully?
A few thoughts swirling around my head on this topic today.
Yesterday morning I caught the tail end of a chat show phone in about the Natalie Evans embryo ownership case, in particular a remark by a 42 year old woman who is busy with home insemination. “I am very fertile, I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago”
Everything about that sentence is a non sequiteur. I hope I don’t offend anyone when I say, who is she kidding? While in a younger woman, getting pregnant but then miscarrying could well be reassurance that certain fertility problems are not in evidence -at least one tube not blocked, male factor OK, for instance; in an older woman, pregnancy followed by early miscarriage is likely to be evidence of declining fertility/old eggs.
I used to think I had a problem, but I wasn’t infertile. Oh no. I just had problems holding on to them. Now I have grasped beyond all doubt, that if you don’t end up with a take home baby, you’re as infertile as the next woman struggling to have a child, and all the positive pee sticks count for zilch.
Now, of course, many many women in their forties go on and have perfectly healthy babies. Many women will miscarry and then have a successful pregnancy. Neither is it fair to blame all losses in older women, just on age, and fail to check out other possible (treatable) causes.
But the sad truth remains, that once you hit 39/40, if you’re losing pregnancies, the chances are that it’s age that’s at fault, and all the immunological testing in the world isn’t going to give you a happier diagnosis than the one that’s staring you in the mirror.
It’s hard to take that fact on board though. I’m so lucky to have Kind Friend offer me her eggs. Means I can accept one harsh reality, while still finding a loophole. So much less final.
Met up with a close friend last night. Same age as me, single at the moment and no children. She’s the first friend I told about the DE IVF and she is supportive enough to offer to drive me on ET day. Last night she’d come from a works do and was a bit squiffy. Her normal tact was absent. “So this IVF is just you refusing to accept that you can’t have another baby” she slurred, or words to that effect. I wasn’t offended, as there is some truth in that.
I’m a stubborn Taurean. I don’t give up easily.
I also am someone who tries to tackle problems by thinking laterally. I really appreciate how difficulties that can seem insumountable for one, can be dealt with by a team all bringing their own skills and abilities.
So in a real way, this sudden swerve off the miscarriage road into the assisted reproduction forest is quite true to my nature. Don’t give up, check. Build up a team working together, check.
Maybe I’m just as self-deluding as the woman on the radio.
We all have our own path to tread, before we can find peace with the outcome.
On a cheerful note, I “came out” to another friend today, another younger woman I know through our children. She didn’t bat an eyelid at either the IVF or DE tale.