Giving up gracefully?

A few thoughts swirling around my head on this topic today.

Yesterday morning I caught the tail end of a chat show phone in about the Natalie Evans embryo ownership case, in particular a remark by a 42 year old woman who is busy with home insemination. “I am very fertile, I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago”

Everything about that sentence is a non sequiteur. I hope I don’t offend anyone when I say, who is she kidding? While in a younger woman, getting pregnant but then miscarrying could well be reassurance that certain fertility problems are not in evidence  -at least one tube not blocked, male factor OK, for instance; in an older woman, pregnancy followed by early miscarriage is likely to be evidence of  declining fertility/old eggs.

I used to think I had a problem, but I wasn’t infertile. Oh no. I just had problems holding on to them. Now I have grasped beyond all doubt, that if you don’t end up with a take home baby, you’re as infertile as the next woman struggling to have a child, and all the positive pee sticks count for zilch.

Now, of course, many many women in their forties go on and have perfectly healthy babies. Many women will miscarry and then have a successful pregnancy. Neither is it fair to blame all losses in older women, just on age, and fail to check out other possible (treatable) causes.

But the sad truth remains, that once you hit 39/40, if you’re losing pregnancies, the chances are that it’s age that’s at fault, and all the immunological testing in the world isn’t going to give you a happier diagnosis than the one that’s staring you in the mirror.

It’s hard to take that fact on board though. I’m so lucky to have Kind Friend offer me her eggs. Means I can accept one harsh reality, while still finding a loophole.  So much less final.

Met up with a close friend last night. Same age as me, single at the moment and no children. She’s the first friend I told about the DE IVF and she is supportive enough to offer to drive me on ET day. Last night she’d come from a works do and was a bit squiffy. Her normal tact was absent. “So this IVF is just you refusing to accept that you can’t have another baby” she slurred, or words to that effect. I wasn’t offended, as there is some truth in that.

I’m a stubborn Taurean. I don’t give up easily.

I also am someone who tries to tackle problems by thinking laterally. I really appreciate how difficulties that can seem insumountable for one, can be dealt with by a team all bringing their own  skills and abilities.

So in a real way, this sudden swerve off the miscarriage road into the assisted reproduction forest is quite true to my nature. Don’t give up, check. Build up a team working together, check.

Maybe I’m just as self-deluding as the woman on the radio.

We all have our own path to tread, before we can find peace with the outcome.

On a cheerful note, I “came out” to another friend today, another younger woman I know through our children. She didn’t bat an eyelid at either the IVF or DE tale.


~ by drownedgirl on April 12, 2007.

9 Responses to “Giving up gracefully?”

  1. Thank you, thank you, for saying what you said in paragraph No 4! PERFECT! 🙂

  2. I’m sure there’s a graceful way to give up, if one was so inclined. But I prefer to go down kicking and screaming and knowing I’ve put up a fight.

  3. You are no more deluded than the rest of humanity, and actually a lot less, now that I think about it. You have no doubt that your fertility is impacted, and that’s why you’re going the route you’re taking.

    As for giving up gracefully, that’s bullshit. None of us is prepared to do that.

  4. There’s “letting go”, as of one’s own eggs, or one’s own sperm, or whatever; we’ve had to “let go” of easy, natural babymaking and of a lot of babies that didn’t get to be born. But “giving up” is different. There is something selfless about welcoming another woman’s eggs into your family. It’s also pragmatic and sensible. It’s what you want and need it to be. I am deeply grateful for the technology and the chances it gives me. I may have “given up” on my eggs and all that but as far as I’m concerned DE is a gift and I’m lucky and happy to accept it.

  5. I wish that I had known these truths when I started trying at 39 (which was when I had finally found Mr. Right For Me). I would have moved on to donor eggs much more quickly, I think. I’m so glad that you found your loophole, and I wish you success!

  6. My sil drives me totally crazy because now she tells people she’s “super fertile”. She started ttc at 42 and had 6 failed diuis, one early loss from ivf, got pregnant with twins on her second and did no prenatal testing. So she was completely surprised when one of her children was born with Trisomy 21. But she’s “super fertile”.

  7. Your line about us each having our own path really hit what I have been feeling lately. Thank you for writing this.

  8. I came via the creme. THanks for this post. It really made sense when you said that all of the pee sticks mean zilch if you can’t bring a live baby home. We are infact infertile and sometimes saying you have a problem but not that you are infertile is coming to terms with only half of the issue. Thanks.

  9. Well, I wish y’all the best of luck.

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