I know I’m a fine one to talk, having struggled on through 7 miscarriages and now moving onto to IVF (DE)

But I’m thinking about the difficulty of finding peace, of accepting what we can’t change, of finding happiness in the here and now. I’m thinking of several women I know who have suffered stillbirth and/or recurrent losses. It’s too simplistic to tell them it will all turn out right. Maybe the miracle will never come. I wish I didn’t feel so helpless in the face of their sadness. I have become so frustrated with online forums, mostly pregancy after loss, where women are faced with a further loss and there is a chime of optimistic comments, geeing them on, even when the evidence is pretty stark that the new pregnancy is doomed. Of course, amazingly, every so often, a pregnancy which is supposedly at 7 weeks with no heartbeat, does turn out to be a younger pregnancy and catches up! I must be so jaded that I don’t share the optimism. I don’t post on those boards, even when I’m pregnant. When I’m pregnant and things look bad, I want to have support from women who appreciate the worst does happen, sometimes over and over.

Sometimes you can fight, but sometimes you just have to accept. I guess I’m coming to the point where, if the IVF doesn’t work, I will have to move from one to the other.

“… give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

I think the difference for me between Waiting for Daisy and The Time Traveller’s Wife, is that Waiting for Daisy gave the message that everything will turn out well if you just keep trying. The Time Traveller’s Wife had a much more complex approach. Admittedly, the couple hang in there and eventually have a child… but the only reason they don’t give up, is that Henry has seen the future and knows they do succeed. What a difference it would make to us all if we could know the final outcome. But even then, if we knew we “succeeded” but we could see the path of attrition, would we still struggle on?


~ by drownedgirl on March 23, 2007.

5 Responses to “Acceptance”

  1. Nice post 🙂

    Everyone has their own limits as too the amount of pain and suffering they can endure, so you are the only person who can say if you go on and on or take another path in life.

    As for seeing into the future, if only! Who in their right mind would carry on if they knew their destiny was not to have children or any more children! Would save us a lot of wasted time and heartache.

    That’s another entire topic of conversation. you’d have to believe in fate first and I’m not sure I do. I think god (if you believe in him) gives us choices, paths we decide which to take, and from there, some lead us to our desires some don’t, different paths, our choice, different results.

    I’ve seen first hand, women go through one unsuccessful pregnancy after another, time and time again and some end up with a healthy baby at the end of it, some don’t. It was both their choice to try, but there was never any guarantee they would get anything out of it.

    Nothing in life is guaranteed. It’s up to us to decide if we take that chance or not, whatever the outcome, without regret.


  2. I remember feeling this way, too. Crying after our 2nd to last IVF, with the BFN, and wondering if it would ever work. If only I could have known, one way or another, it would have made continuing so much easier. You can then either keep plugging away, knowing one day it would work out, or work on acceptance realizing it will never work. The NOT KNOWING is the hardest part. My dad told me to have faith, but it was just so hard.

    We made the decision to use DE, and, looking at my happy and healthy son who’s nearly one, I am so glad we did. We know we’d like to have another child one day, which largely depends on my cousin’s schedule; she’ll be in grad school for the next 2.5 years. So I guess we’ll just have to play it by ear…

    This was such a beautiful post… you have a lovely writing style!

  3. I completely agree with you on TTW. I read it just as we were starting on the whole infertility experience, and it was KNOWING that they were eventually going to have a child that made such a difference, made it not so much like our real experience.

    I’ve seen you on one of the boards. I do the same thing, and when I see the “no heartbeat 8weeks what do you think” posts I either tell it straight or I say nothing at all, I’m not prepared to extend someone’s hope for another week or so, does that make me a horrible person?

  4. Thalya, I think it makes me a better person that I don’t like to give false hope. I prefer to sympathise that someone is in limbo, maybe link to some good sites about embryonic development. I can’t bring myself to tell someone it will all turn out well, when it doesn’t look good. Of course, sometimes it does!

    Which, btw, is why I DID post to you, that bleeding at your stage of things isn’t a sign of miscarriage, but a cervical or placental problem. Now, I’m not saying those things aren’t worrying, but the bleeding doesn’t mean the worst.


  5. I read what you say about acceptance with a great deal of interest. I am awaiting the outcome of donor egg IVF (my lovely younger sister was my donor), and in less than 2 weeks’ time, I will either have good news or be facing the fact that I will never have any children of my own, something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. When things are looking bleak, positive words, however kindly meant, just make it worse. There is definitely a discussion to be had about facing and accepting the ‘worst case scenario’ without recourse to false hope and platitudes. But I haven’t got there yet, and hopefully, neither will you. I will be thinking of you and your lovely friend over the coming weeks and wishing you all the luck in the world (because ultimately a lot of what happens in the IVF world does boil down to luck)

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