Waiting for Daisy

I haven’t read this book yet, just ordered it from Amazon but I thought I’d reprint an excerpt commented on by Sue in her blog.

“I’d had no idea how easy it would be to lose all sense of reason, to do things I swore I never would to become a mother, then go further beyond that. And here’s the irony: if you’d asked me ten years earlier, I would’ve said I didn’t even want to have children.”

“The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than using a turkey baster. You’re not aware of how subtly alientated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don’t notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its achievement. Each decision to go a little further seems logical. More than that, it begins to feel inevitable. My hesitations about motherhood hadn’t disappeared, but they were steamrolled by my drive to succeed at pregnancy.”

It’s so weird. I feel now that I wasted a lot of  my pregnancy and early motherhood with DS because I was ambivalent. We hadn’t been TTC when I conceived him,  DP and I lived separately, and I was in some turmoil unsure how I’d feel about him. When I got pregnant the first time when we started TTC no 2, and DS was only 18 months old, it felt too soon and I was a bit in shock. Yet here we are 2 1/2 years later and I feel quite determined … to have a successful pregnancy! My therapist seems to feel that it’s somehow wrong to be so focussed on that aspect of it. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone.

 It’s hardly surprising. I suppose women struggling to have their first child, and women suffering through miscarriages, all share this feeling of frustration and failure and stubbornness.  In most other situations, the determination not to give up would be seen as laudable.

~ by drownedgirl on March 3, 2007.

2 Responses to “Waiting for Daisy”

  1. Hmmm sounds like a book I need to get. My goal has been reduced to beginning IVF, even the goal of conception has moved further away.

  2. It’s the drive (and panic) that come from not being able to do what others do so easily (and almost casually). Not giving up IS laudable. Because while we are currently focused on the “getting pregnant” part, it really is the end result that we want: a live, healthy child. I never lose sight of that. Even though, like K77, my current goal is just getting to my first IVF cycle. It’s all about succeeding in the small steps.

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