In the bleak midwinter

Everything seems very grey. There is nothing to look forward to and I just want to hibernate.

May seems so far away. It’s 3 months. 3 months ago it was November. I went out clubbing with some friends. Since that time I planned and organised Christmas. Conceived on Christmas Day. Found I was pregnant. Went through the “seeing haemo starting Clexane” story. Had slow rising HCG. Realised the pregnancy was doomed. Lost it just before 8 weeks.

All that in 3 months.

So the 3 months  till May seems an age. Maybe it would seem closer if we got the definite go ahead for the IVF. I’m so weary. I feel like I’ve run the two marathons of conceiving naturally over and over,  and recurrent miscarriage. And there’s still the IVF to contend with. Sort of a fertility triathlon.

Missed my haemo appt today, and therapist. The therapist is located in the antenatal scanning of my local hospital. Opposite the postnatal ward. The waiting room is full of hugely pregnant women.  Sometimes it’s just too hard to go there.

The haemo is on another floor. My reason for skipping?  Can’t stand the return visit, failed.

So many times, I’ve trooped in at 4w pregnant. Been prescribed the Clexane. Return visit booked for 3 or 4 weeks ahead. I NEVER make that return visit. I’ve always miscarried. I said as much when I was there in January. No, we WILL see you back, said the consultant optimistically. And he prescribed me a full 12 weeks worth, bless him.

Edited to add:  of course, my hormones are probably rampant. The few days after a miscarriage are probably some sort of progesterone dropping Valhalla. 

 At least I can work at home today. Some time by myself is so good. Radio four. Hot toast with marmalade.


~ by drownedgirl on February 13, 2007.

5 Responses to “In the bleak midwinter”

  1. Here to pop your blog comments cherry lol. Don’t feel down, 3 months may seem like forever but once we get the go ahead from the clinic it will whizz by. You know full well we’ll both spend days on end planning, researching, chatting, plotting some more and generally getting some proper excitement going. I know the sudden drop in hormones probably isn’t helping, and you have every right to be feeling a little low, but there’s no reason for there not be light at the end 🙂

  2. Even though its three months to wait, you have a schedule. It can make the waiting seem longer, but you also have something to look forward to, even though you ache from what was left behind. February is nearly half way done already.

  3. You’ve been through so much, it’s no wonder you’re weary. And the hormone cliff after a miscarriage is steep indeed. Enjoy your time to yourself today. You’re a very strong woman.

    (And thanks for moving to a comment blog so we can share our strength with you.)

  4. You sound pretty damn strong. Stronger than me. You’ll get through this, just stay focussed on the planning like hobbesy says!

    Rooting for you.


  5. oh ugh. the post-disaster wait to try again for god-knows-what-will-happen-next-time. good times.

    last year at this time i was post-BFN and so utterly depressed. it extra-sucks for me back then and for you now that it was winter. i found the smallest of comforts in buying myself a great blankie, making lots of fires, listening to the garden state soundtrack and watching intently for any signs of spring. the bulbs coming up were a little lifeline to a season that hopefully would not include any more dead babies. i crossed days off the calendar; sometimes i’d forget for a few days and then get to cross off a few at a time (big thrill). i started watching series on TV or DVDs and think when the sopranos or whatever is over, it’ll be time to try again.

    your story sounds like a nightmare that just won’t end. there are so many BFNs out there, it’s staggering really.

    i’ll offer my standard welcome to new bloggers: welcome to deadbabyland. i’m sorry that you are here but glad that you found us.

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