Compassion
Pamela Jeanne pointed me at this beautiful and moving post –
An Open Letter highlighting the emotions felt by an infertile woman hearing about the pregnancies of others.
Like many others, I feel guilty I am on my way to “success”. I would feel awkward placing a ticker. I feel by using donor eggs I have somehow abandoned or cheated on my online friends dealing with recurrent miscarriage, or older women trying to get a baby to stick. I don’t feel right passing on happy news. I appreciate support over the wobbly bits and hand holding through the fears – but I am not sure I deserve it from other women who haven’t got as far as I have.
I hope I still have compassion for others still struggling, and no feelings are hurt if other women find their way here via my comments on their blogs.
I’m not a very good role model really. I felt I had something to share when I was near the end of the road with recurrent loss, and ageing eggs. I was coming to the point where I knew the time was close to give up trying and even in my sadness, I could share that feeling with others.
Now I feel I have jumped the tracks and sometimes it’s disconcerting and I’m not sure where I belong. I hope I haven’t lost my compassion for others, somewhere along the way.
Beaten but not bowed 
you belong right here- as you are. And you are wonderful.
I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. You are a part of such a beautiful story- an inspiration really.
& I seriously doubt you will ever lack compassion. The tattoo of an infertile may not always be visible to others, but you know it is always there.
xoxo
& thank you for always being such a dear friend.
many thanks for your kind words about my post. and I wish you all the best for a healthy pregnancy! I’ve heard similar feelings of guilt echoed by other friends with “survivor syndrome.” the truth is your experience leading to this point shapes your outlook on everything, and I doubt you could lack compassion after so much suffering. I hope you can enjoy and embrace sharing your “happy news” — I think it must be that much sweeter after all you’ve been through. ~luna
Have no fear. Just the fact that you’ve invested any amount of time worrying or wondering automatically demonstrates your compassionate nature. If we can simply get one more person within our area of influence to understand, someone who might be considering these ideas for the first time then we will have achieved something. I think about the women and men who are coming after us and hope that those with infertility issues find a more accepting and compassionate environment — where open letters aren’t necessary in the first place…
Why do you feel like this? I can’t work it out. Of course you belong here. You made a decision to move on this way and now you’re pregnant. That is so important for people like me to hear. I am struggling and DE isn’t far from my thoughts. I need to know how it’s worked for others, the ups and downs. I think your story is inspirational, you appear to have made peace with the whole deal and are happy. That gives people like me hope. Maybe, someway or another, we’ll come out the other end. You’re a lovely person, plwase enjoy what you have.
Carrie, maybe I just always expect things to be a struggle! I feel fine amongst women doing DE, but I suppose I feel bad that few women can do it as cheaply as was possible here in the UK, or with a known donor… hence I feel guilty with other women still trying to get pregnant, especially older ones or those from my recurrent miscarriage board.
Then I feel bad that I have one child already, and am finally pregnant again.
Then I feel guilty that after a lot of fuss, I got myself a named midwife.
Yep., I think I am just used to life being a struggle!
You are entitled to every good and warm feeling, and you should not keep your light under a basket. Yes, it was hard for me during my four years of infertility treatments before my daughter came along, and I did feel sad when others easily became pregnant. But I never begrudged those who were suffering as I was who were able to cross over to the other side. They gave me hope that things could work for me too.
Here is another way of looking at it. For me, the only other thing that was worse than infertility was losing my mother. This is the first Christmas that I will spend without her. But I don’t for a minute wish to take anything away from everyone else who is blessed enough to still have their moms. To those who are so lucky, I say enjoy. Hold them close. And to those who are blessed with a child growing inside of them, I say enjoy that as well. The little slice of time that we are allowed to carry those little ones inside of us is so fleeting, it should not be marked by anything but happiness.
Peace and joy to you.
That you write a post like this means that you have compassion. A lot of it. And some “survivor’s guilt”. I hope you can let go of the guilt and enjoy your pregnancy and babies. This time of their youth is so short. Savor every moment. If you want to put up a ticker, I bet your friends will understand.